Tuesday, October 23, 2012

And then came FALL!

When fall comes, I find myself a bit more excited about life.  A lot more, actually!

And when I'm more excited, I tend to bake and cook a LOT more.  Especially when I find recipes like this...

That turn into delicious breakfasts looking something like this...

And in those brief moments of sheer pancake bliss (covered in a maple-apple-butter-syrupy-mess,) I forget about Chaz and his thoughts on food.  It's in those moments, I realize recovery might MIGHT be possible.

Food, if you didn't know, is energy!  Have you seen the video from Parks and Rec?  I love it.  I could watch it 231 times a day.  I would love it, and then be able to reenact it!  "Pow!"  "That's spaghetti!"  Watch it.  Hilarious.  Well, to me.

I hate how fleeting joy-filled moments are these days; most unfortunately, they've become few and far between.  I suppose, however, that's better than never having said moments!

What else is new besides my strange breakfast addiction?  Hmmm.  I live in Katy, and am seeing a fun, quirky therapist.  I like her.  She reminds me of ME!  Hence the reason behind calling her quirky - I would never dare say someone was so, unless I truly felt it.  Do feel free to tell  me I am; I will totally claim it, wear a "I'm quirky" sash, and fulfill all roles of the being "Miss Quirky of America."  Not that we've had that contest yet, but with allllllllll the new realities shows coming out hourly, I'm certain this will be one.  Please put my name in the drawing for contestants, should it occur.  Thank you in advance.

Ok, so in therapy the other day I was asked one of the most thought-provoking questions.  "Betsy, have you ever considered that there might be a day when you will be well.  When you won't have one thing after another go wrong?  You've been through a lot of hell in your life, BUT there will be a day when things will be brighter.  Anorexia won't be a title you hold.  And you'll be able to have more than one good day in a row."  

Think...think...think...answer.  "No.  No, I haven't.  There's always been one twist after another.  To imagine a day like that is incredible."

That is my new goal in therapy.  I love it.  Is it not so very lovely and grand?  Perhaps there is someone out there who has never been asked this.  And if that's so, does it inspire anything in you to change and move forward in whatever area of life might be causing you distress?  Ponder it.  It's most ponderable.  

A digression for a minute - I want "ponderable"to be a real word.  I see the mean red line under it, but I.  Don't.  Care.  I like it.  My good friend Kat would totally understand.  She's just as quirky as me and would also claim it.  End digression.

Oh!!  So, I've been scouring blogs in search of cookie recipes (you're in a state of shock, right?  Probably not.  SO Betsy of me to do!) I found this one and totally love it.  LOVE love it (which means a lot in Betsy-lingo.)  It doesn't even need refrigerating!  HELLO SIMPLE.  

Roll it out.  Cut into happy fall shapes.  Bake.  You get something like this...

...and then you eat.  Or frost them and eat them.  Or put them in a cookie jar.  Close the lid.  Open the lid and eat one.  Or two.  Or even three.  I can never eat just one cookie.  

Progress.  I know I'm making progress if I can bake AND eat.  Happy Dance!

Happy Tuesday, friends :)  I hope it's filled with lovely pumpkin carving, fall baking, friend calling, and other enjoyable things.

Love, Betsy

Saturday, October 6, 2012

A Yellow Zone

"In his heart a man plans his steps, but the Lord determines his path."

Yes.  That is true.  For both man and woman - and for me in my current situation.

I had everything perfectly planned and in place.  I really thought I did!  I was going to transfer smoothly and swiftly to an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) in Houston.  Everything was going along, well, swimmingly.  My therapist had spoken with the new facility several times. My discharge paperwork and other documents requiring my apparently-impressive-since-I'd-signed-so-many signature had been, well, signed...then sealed, and delivered probably put in a manilla folder marked "Herrington."  Hopefully they use fun colors on the tabs.  I'm sure my folder is now sitting in a fancy, tan filing cabinet, too.  Paper has such a great life after being used.  If the files could talk, wouldn't they have THE most interesting things to share!  I actually am laughing out loud at the thought.  Ha!

Moving on to why I'm in a "Yellow Zone."

Not a hard analogy to figure out - Green is great, yellow is caution, and red screams stop!  Go back! 

Yellow.  I'm in a yellow zone of life, especially this week.  Many caution lights seem to be flashing in my face as I strive to fight against the eating disorder way of thinking.  No, not in the red yet, and I'm so frightful of entering that zone.  I've been there one too many times, and am really not intrigued by anything "red" has to offer; it's certainly a lonely, dark, dungeon cell there.

So, all would have worked out completely fine with the transfer EXCEPT FOR INSURANCE.  Of course.  Why not?  Insurance has become the bane of my existence - a miserable part of any treatment.  Rather hindering, really, and insurance companies have obviously mastered in the field of "Hard to Deal With," as a dearly treasured friend of mine put it yesterday.  A disturbing thing to find out, especially since I was told prior to leaving Renfrew that: 

1. I was not in a safe place within the recovery process yet, 
2. Austin would be detrimental to moving in a positive direction, and 
3. Hopefully this new center would work out better. 

Structure.  I need such ridiculous structure in avoiding a relapse, and it's been so hard.  I wish you could hear me say that - because it's just hard.  Sure, I eat three meals a day now.  Wow, huh?  Food is not enthralling at this moment, I have no hunger cues most days, and I can't seem to stop wanting the same foods. Again.  I can see the cycle starting, and I am anxious to get the help I need.  There's no other way to be but completely honest while typing... I have made progress in contacting therapists and nutritionists in the Katy area, and hope to meet with them early next week.  Oh how lovely, lovely, lovely and FUN this all is!  

I attempted to plan my steps, but it seems God has a different plan.  I have such head knowledge that His plan is greater, and higher, and perfect!  I desire for this to become heart knowledge - for my entire being to KNOW that HE is LORD.  To not doubt, and be tossed about like a wave in the sea.  The scripture above is so fitting for me today, as it seems it's exactly what has occurred within 7 days time.  How interesting.  

I will wait.  I will try my best.  And I will not quit fighting and moving forward.  I've come so far, fear going back, and want to be "Happy Betsy who is Randomly Exciting and Passionate about Life!" again.

James and I are off to meet Austin-locals for coffee or tea.  Friends, have a happy-football-day (any Saturday in fall has been renamed this now,) I hope your team of choice wins, and take time to enjoy the fabulous cooler weather.

Love, Betsy