And then came FALL!

When fall comes, I find myself a bit more excited about life.  A lot more, actually!

And when I'm more excited, I tend to bake and cook a LOT more.  Especially when I find recipes like this...

That turn into delicious breakfasts looking something like this...

And in those brief moments of sheer pancake bliss (covered in a maple-apple-butter-syrupy-mess,) I forget about Chaz and his thoughts on food.  It's in those moments, I realize recovery might MIGHT be possible.

Food, if you didn't know, is energy!  Have you seen the video from Parks and Rec?  I love it.  I could watch it 231 times a day.  I would love it, and then be able to reenact it!  "Pow!"  "That's spaghetti!"  Watch it.  Hilarious.  Well, to me.

I hate how fleeting joy-filled moments are these days; most unfortunately, they've become few and far between.  I suppose, however, that's better than never having said moments!

What else is new besides my strange breakfast addiction?  Hmmm.  I live in Katy, and am seeing a fun, quirky therapist.  I like her.  She reminds me of ME!  Hence the reason behind calling her quirky - I would never dare say someone was so, unless I truly felt it.  Do feel free to tell  me I am; I will totally claim it, wear a "I'm quirky" sash, and fulfill all roles of the being "Miss Quirky of America."  Not that we've had that contest yet, but with allllllllll the new realities shows coming out hourly, I'm certain this will be one.  Please put my name in the drawing for contestants, should it occur.  Thank you in advance.

Ok, so in therapy the other day I was asked one of the most thought-provoking questions.  "Betsy, have you ever considered that there might be a day when you will be well.  When you won't have one thing after another go wrong?  You've been through a lot of hell in your life, BUT there will be a day when things will be brighter.  Anorexia won't be a title you hold.  And you'll be able to have more than one good day in a row."  

Think...think...think...answer.  "No.  No, I haven't.  There's always been one twist after another.  To imagine a day like that is incredible."

That is my new goal in therapy.  I love it.  Is it not so very lovely and grand?  Perhaps there is someone out there who has never been asked this.  And if that's so, does it inspire anything in you to change and move forward in whatever area of life might be causing you distress?  Ponder it.  It's most ponderable.  

A digression for a minute - I want "ponderable"to be a real word.  I see the mean red line under it, but I.  Don't.  Care.  I like it.  My good friend Kat would totally understand.  She's just as quirky as me and would also claim it.  End digression.

Oh!!  So, I've been scouring blogs in search of cookie recipes (you're in a state of shock, right?  Probably not.  SO Betsy of me to do!) I found this one and totally love it.  LOVE love it (which means a lot in Betsy-lingo.)  It doesn't even need refrigerating!  HELLO SIMPLE.  

Roll it out.  Cut into happy fall shapes.  Bake.  You get something like this...

...and then you eat.  Or frost them and eat them.  Or put them in a cookie jar.  Close the lid.  Open the lid and eat one.  Or two.  Or even three.  I can never eat just one cookie.  

Progress.  I know I'm making progress if I can bake AND eat.  Happy Dance!

Happy Tuesday, friends :)  I hope it's filled with lovely pumpkin carving, fall baking, friend calling, and other enjoyable things.

Love, Betsy

French Toast and Rocking Horses

It's Wednesday.  I don't know what I think about this day... just a middle of the week one.  I suppose there are many things one can do on a Wednesday, or any day, but the "doing something" part is what often stumps me.  And I sit and wander in circles - always moving, never really stopping, in hopes of something wonderful inspiring me to DO.  In therapy yesterday I expressed how prevalent this wandering, uneasy, discontented feeling has become most hours of the day.  I say hours, because if I said it was just a few days I would be lying.  I don't want to lie - eating disorders lie, and I'm trying to rid myself of Chaz.  CHAZ NO MORE!  Great t-shirt slogan.  Hmmm.  I think I like that idea (and it would make so many people ask questions!)  

Well, today I decided I would make french toast, which has become one of my favorite things to make in the mornings...

So, I did.  I know, the picture doesn't do any kind of justice to how it actually tasted (completely delicious) but it's what I have to share.  I must tell you, though, that if you were to offer to make this for me I would not let you.  I would be internally throwing a fit, while externally politely declining the kind offer.  Trust.  I struggle with trusting others to make my food - a twisted, yet brutally honest, part of my particular type of disease.  Now imagine this:  if I am unable to trust people I know to make my food, just think how completely terrifying it is to order this in a restaurant!  Goodnight!  I laugh at myself telling the waiter, "well, I'll have this... made this way... and, actually, I'll just go help the chef.  I should meet him, and be certain he's measuring and portioning everything correctly.  It's just how I am.  Thank you!"  I'm so certain they would welcome me with open arms.  All that to say, overcoming this takes the smallest baby steps I can possibly take - think Bill Murray in "What About Bob."  I find myself repeating many of his quirky phrases throughout the day (which is, well, a bit of comic relief.  For example, "I'm sailing!"  See, don't you feel better?)

And now onto rocking horses, which I think I'll talk more in-depth about next posting.  This small figure brought up extreme feelings of fear while I was in sand tray therapy Monday.  In short, I can relate to a rocking horse in so many areas of my past and present life.  It doesn't move where it would like, and only does what other's instruct it to do.  If the sweet, little horse could talk he'd probably say, "I just want to be like the real horses and run through the pastures!"  Something along those lines, anyway.   It's interesting to think that a toy evokes many other emotions when placed in a therapeutic "let's get down to what the hell is holding you back from complete recovery" room.  

I hope you have a happy-french-toast-goodness kind of Wednesday.

Love, Betsy