Saturday, October 6, 2012

A Yellow Zone

"In his heart a man plans his steps, but the Lord determines his path."

Yes.  That is true.  For both man and woman - and for me in my current situation.

I had everything perfectly planned and in place.  I really thought I did!  I was going to transfer smoothly and swiftly to an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) in Houston.  Everything was going along, well, swimmingly.  My therapist had spoken with the new facility several times. My discharge paperwork and other documents requiring my apparently-impressive-since-I'd-signed-so-many signature had been, well, signed...then sealed, and delivered probably put in a manilla folder marked "Herrington."  Hopefully they use fun colors on the tabs.  I'm sure my folder is now sitting in a fancy, tan filing cabinet, too.  Paper has such a great life after being used.  If the files could talk, wouldn't they have THE most interesting things to share!  I actually am laughing out loud at the thought.  Ha!

Moving on to why I'm in a "Yellow Zone."

Not a hard analogy to figure out - Green is great, yellow is caution, and red screams stop!  Go back! 

Yellow.  I'm in a yellow zone of life, especially this week.  Many caution lights seem to be flashing in my face as I strive to fight against the eating disorder way of thinking.  No, not in the red yet, and I'm so frightful of entering that zone.  I've been there one too many times, and am really not intrigued by anything "red" has to offer; it's certainly a lonely, dark, dungeon cell there.

So, all would have worked out completely fine with the transfer EXCEPT FOR INSURANCE.  Of course.  Why not?  Insurance has become the bane of my existence - a miserable part of any treatment.  Rather hindering, really, and insurance companies have obviously mastered in the field of "Hard to Deal With," as a dearly treasured friend of mine put it yesterday.  A disturbing thing to find out, especially since I was told prior to leaving Renfrew that: 

1. I was not in a safe place within the recovery process yet, 
2. Austin would be detrimental to moving in a positive direction, and 
3. Hopefully this new center would work out better. 

Structure.  I need such ridiculous structure in avoiding a relapse, and it's been so hard.  I wish you could hear me say that - because it's just hard.  Sure, I eat three meals a day now.  Wow, huh?  Food is not enthralling at this moment, I have no hunger cues most days, and I can't seem to stop wanting the same foods. Again.  I can see the cycle starting, and I am anxious to get the help I need.  There's no other way to be but completely honest while typing... I have made progress in contacting therapists and nutritionists in the Katy area, and hope to meet with them early next week.  Oh how lovely, lovely, lovely and FUN this all is!  

I attempted to plan my steps, but it seems God has a different plan.  I have such head knowledge that His plan is greater, and higher, and perfect!  I desire for this to become heart knowledge - for my entire being to KNOW that HE is LORD.  To not doubt, and be tossed about like a wave in the sea.  The scripture above is so fitting for me today, as it seems it's exactly what has occurred within 7 days time.  How interesting.  

I will wait.  I will try my best.  And I will not quit fighting and moving forward.  I've come so far, fear going back, and want to be "Happy Betsy who is Randomly Exciting and Passionate about Life!" again.

James and I are off to meet Austin-locals for coffee or tea.  Friends, have a happy-football-day (any Saturday in fall has been renamed this now,) I hope your team of choice wins, and take time to enjoy the fabulous cooler weather.

Love, Betsy 

1 comment:

  1. Betsy, dear Betsy--so beautiful in body, mind, and spirit! Praying you will find "rest for your soul" this morning over that cup of coffee or tea. Insight I embrace: I CANNOT control my heart knowledge/emotions (else they should, perhaps, be called "reason"), but I CAN exercise some control over my head knowledge/will (isn't THIS the essence of faith?). And Divine Love makes itself both necessary and known through the Miracle of turning faith into feeling. Much love and continued prayer . . . strength for the journey has already been purchased with His death and resurrection.